Todays the day

That defines me going forward with sight loss . The mist is here. I sit alone and don’t panic. It’s uncomfortable my eyes and grey mist barely see. I’m alone, no one understands this

I’ve panicked in the face of family and they go… I have to do it alone . It’s awful to be honest

To have some one here to support me would be better

Where to from here?

Sunshine

Sun shine on my Pusey cat Katy

You took the back seat

When Polly Guide Dog came along

But you always sing your song

You are a little beauty

Who always does her duty

Sitting on the new couch

Scratching it just

Is a must

And all the other little things you do

So we know that you are you

I sit here…

Katy is purring on my lap

She is a lovely cat

It’s 6.23 am

It’s much more faded than before

I’m not ready for this door

I miss seeing Chrissy every day or so

She’d pop in my home in Shrewsbury. Her and Mike weren’t that nice to me really … but that was a reflection of their relationship with each other …. I just wanted some company family time and love. they didn’t even realise how hurtful things were they said…

They didn’t want to do much with me … she would come round like a robot and say is there anything I can do you for you today and mop the floor. I just wanted her to say hey mum I love you you are a pain but I love you …

She was always troubled from birth. She wouldn’t feed and the nurses wanted to put a tube down her throat. She was prone to trantrums and at school was often involved in girly brawls with bullying type girls. At primary school I would get a call to say your daughter has a high temperature she needs to go home. My parents lived near the school so I would get my dad to go and pick her up. I’d ring him and ask how she was and he would say fine chatting away eating biscuits and drinking tea! What a girl! She could talk for England! I love her to bits! She has acted oddly and her behaviour has been strange … I miss her … I hope I see her again… when I was in Shrewsbury I had panick attachs due to sight loss – I needed someone around , it’s scarey but they weren’t interested her and her husband as wrapped up in their life and I was a pain in the bum, if I had different outlook it would have been different – I wish we were there now… there were underlying things going on with them which in didn’t realise only subconsciously whilst I went blind. I thought to go back to Southend with my brother but he drives me bonkers ! Help

I must escape ….

Chrissy great girl very clever

Was buttons in school play Cinderella and knew everyone’s lines

The last real nice day I had with her was when we went to the quarry and I bought her a wall hanging chakra design. We walked round and she was her old self… looking at the stalls of the holistic event and having a drink by the river … I hope I see her again and the boys … we have been through so much, I love them my children even though they have not been there for me in my hour Of need ….

God bless and Amen

Namaste

Moving

You don’t notice a change in an area till you move away for a few years then come back do you .. if i make such a big move again it has to be right and my forever home now, so amazing factsShrewsbury option because at least I am familiar with places and associations et cetera up there where is if i moved to somewhere completely new i would have to set everything up from scratch and wouldn’t even know where i was

That’s exactly it, whilst I was in Shrewsbury bevy my daughter was very cold and I felt in the way basically with her and her husband 50/50 stay or go . I had nice things the shire choir Church, drumming Guide Dog office in Shrewsbury handy etc safe place tbh people more chilled out .I miss that and comming back here it’s not the same plus it’s stale going over old ground after the change of scenery which was lovely ! In Shrewsbury. Have you gone back anywhere? How did you feel if you did?

My eyes a lot worse too which impacts on everything I do and old memories keep flooding back. Yes when you move forward you don’t look back

Your brain plays tricks on you too and you have the grass is greener syndrome

I always wanted to be near my mum when I had my family and I moved back to Hockley where I was born. I was happy there as a child and having my children there too. My marriage was fine but I should have got a job earlier and my husband should not have taken horrible drugs pot whatever from his friend and got very nasty with me and his family. What was good suddenly turned very sour and I was scared of him to be honest and in flight mode I flew . It was a mess and no what I had wanted for my dear children. They are all doing well and ok on their pathways .

I’m struggling, after being a housewife and mother and wife. I became a single mum working for the local government. I did well got promoted . And worked for a college too. Bought a house .

Moved to Shrewsbury near my daughter and her husband . Beautiful place . Panicked and moved back to Southend when Chrissy left him! Wish had stayed to be honest – go back? Yes ! Should have stayed and got place in town – a lovely flat – perhaps I will anyway ….

The glaucoma in my eyes is awful…. It’s all the stress this family have put me through

I’m just a quiet little person me. Had superb family as a child – not used to angry people!

Peace be with you all….

Speech

Well my son Nick announced he was going to get married to Lindsey his girlfriend. If i was to do a speech at his wedding what would I say?

I would tell them how he was nearly born in the video rental shop and was only six pounds six ounces three weeks early . The Health visitor said when she saw his eyes flashing around that he would be intelligent and he is! Been learning from the age of 4 til now having just done a Masters Degree in Law at age 34. Always busy at work and play, rugby, football, karate, play the piano . And now he’s met Lindsey a match made in heaven, lovely girl, hard working intelligent

They will go far together and wish them every happiness

I would say to them to always respect one another no matter what. If one is not doing quite what you wanted them to do be patient and kind and understanding and talk things through . Don’t for goodness sake swear, bash doors or denigrate each other! It doesn’t work! One will walk away! This is sad … that’s what happened to me … I walked away…. From their dad

I just wanted to be happily married with children few grandchildren perhaps … peaceful retirement

I’ve been pushed and pulled in all directions and have this awful sight loss with glaucoma my eyes now and on my own, it’s horrible way to end up….

Whilst the offenders walk an easy road

Is there Khama

Is there justice

God knows ….