Bad dream

I am facing nearly total Sightloss today
New ball game
I realise I am alone in this game
I need a safe haven, ones who I thought would support me are not here
It’s sad really … like a bad dream
I’ve been on an epic journey
I want to go home …
It could have been so different-

Today

I stayed awake til 4am. The white mist so thick. No one has any idea .

I realised I had another cleaner coming! I have had so many people wanting to clean my home and the JW lady has arrived at10an

I don’t know how am going to cope . My children don’t want to know and nor my brother . It’s a nightmare and wished had stayed in Shrewsbury . They are starting to do blind tennis there now. Arghh I would love that….

I wonder how my children are. I miss them so much

This glaucoma is awful beyond words

Peace love forgiveness

Dear Nick 

You said I am horrible like dad which is not true and very unfair 

He was very cruel in his behaviour towards me which impacted on us all  . I was scared also . 

I should have made better actions and left him or got the police involved to take him away from us to be honest and stay in our family home in Marylands Avenue at the time to continue our lives there without disruption 

I am extremely sorry about it all and the impact it has had on you all . I never wanted to be a divorced woman and stayed in the situation too long 

I love you all dearly and did what I thought was best at the time. My dad advised me to sell up and get away from him which made it very disruptive for us all when we should have stayed in the family home and made him leave to sort himself out . He was stressed and having a breakdown and his behaviour was as a result aggressive 

I have made mistakes and made wrong decisions. I am only human. I ask for forgiveness 

You have all done well with your education and achievements regardless and I am very proud of you and are finding your pathways that are good for you 

I am very proud of you as was gran and grandad . Grandad worked his way up from the bottom in British telecom and did a job which degree students do today he was a hard working intelligent man like you all are today When I went back to work  I had a good job as a Compliance Officer with the  Government before I worked at the College . I used to work at Coutts Bank in the City when I was younger before I had children. I  would have become an Art Teacher had it I  not been for my eyesight condition 

It has been difficult coming back to Southend as my vision is a lot worse and am struggling on a practical level and trying to find suitable help and place to live in retirement accommodation possibly . I feel very isolated and alone as a result of it . It would have been more  vigilant to stay where I was with familiar routes for Polly etc, had a great PA Tanya, friend Mark in Wales, shire choir etc but the dynamics changed when Chrissy left for Birmingham and I panicked and came back as was always 50 50 on it . I miss Chrissy very much , perhaps I could have moved to Birmingham near her and still could, if she is still there? Maybe she has moved – I don’t know, she wanted to get away 

I really miss her … I miss you all …

It is heartbreaking not seeing  any of you nor to be invited to my own sons wedding when I think the world of you dearly as I do Rob and Chrissy 

It feels very cruel in the circumstances 

People I know can’t understand it 

My brother Alan your uncle can’t understand it either and is very upset . I never had anything much to do with him  in the past but has been helping me . It’s not what I want and want to lead my own life . He has health problems but is always ready to help . He used to be a First Aid Officer and play the trumpet in a band when he was younger before he had awful muscle wasting disease which he nearly died from in his mid 20s. 

I hope you are all ok and think of you every day . I love you dearly . If you need anything please let me know . I know you think I am a silly old blind bat but I may be visually impaired but I am not stupid . I have made several wrong choices as we all do in life and am being challenged by sight loss which makes it difficult to get out and about . I would love to visit you all but need help and it would be lovely if you came to see me. I thiught you and Rob would be coming to see me and help out 

I wish you all the best

I’ll think of you on the 10th  Nick

With tears in my eyes 

I love you all always 

If I never see you again it will break my heart 

Remember 

Forgiveness is the peace you keep in your heart rather than hatred that hinders 

z

Today 24 May 2023

So today I am sitting here with this awful glaucoma in my eyes White mist It’s feeling crap.

What a horrible situation

My children not speaking to me

My son getting married and not invited

Co dependent brother

Can’t see

It’s dreadful situation

No sensible help at hand with consistency

How can I get out of this horrible feeling and life

Jobe

I feel like Jobe

Moving back to Southend was not a good idea It’s all gone pear shaped

I’ve lost tons more eyesight

Chrissy doesn’t talk to me

Nick doesn’t talk to me

I’m not invited to nicks wedding

I’m struggling as can’t see so well

Polly will retire on 4th July unless they give her an extension

My brother is very helpful but it’s ridiculous

Rob still keeps in touch . He sent me a birthday card and gift . The other children didn’t It’s so hurtful …..

I really want to move away from here to a remote place asap

I’ve never felt so upset in my whole life …

Sadness

I was looking forward to going to my sons wedding. I had evrn thought about doing a little speech

It’s so cruel not to be invited

I so wish I had made better choices when younger

The calibre I involved myself with has been the ruin of my life

And now I have this awful glaucoma in my eyes

I pray I die in my sleep soon. It’s all so awful

People are so strong …. And mean ….

I love my children with all my heart

Well my son Nick last September started being nasty to me saying I was horrible. Up until then we had always spoken and been ok . He has cut me off. It’s horrible feeling to be cut off by your child . My daughter has as well since she left her husband. I moved to be near her and her husband, I thought how lovely at first in beautiful Shrewsbury , I found a church, choir, drummung , friend in wales , ramblers etc it was good , but there was always underlying differences and I was losing my sight fast and had panic attacks it was scary

I panicked and came back to Southend I wish had stayed and gone into The Coppice.

What a muddle .

So now

I sit in southchurch

Very blind

Being ignored by the two elder children

How horrible …. And they don’t bat an eyelid about it ….

Rob my younger son still speaks but it is very hurtful this situation

I contacted Dignity in dying today on Facebook

What point is there to life if you are ignored

And can’t see …

It feels awful

I sit here trying to overcome advanced glaucoma and being ignored by them . It’s not nice

I left their father, my brother said neighbours had heard him shouting at me and felt sorry… it’s an awful situation

And not invited to his wedding next month … how mean, my friends can’t believe how mean he is …. To his own mum, my dad would be be very upset and my mum … you think his fiancé would say something but I guess she just takes it all in … that generation are not like ours …

He loved me enough when he wanted some money to do his Law Degree

My eyes are terrible. Sight like pink mist .

My husband certainly did a number on us all… he is ok … remarried taken on her family Never paid maintenance….

The first seven years of a child’s life are the most important and influential as we know . Mine heard him swear bash doors roar in anger . I was scared and should have left him before I did

I’m sorry children . It was not what I wanted for any of us . I should have stayed in my Marital home and got the police to remove him to be honest

History

Behaviours now

Reflections

Where can I live as blind woman on her own away from this

Oh well

The Mckenzie family ….

Happy days children. It was lovely to know you once

I hope I see them again …

Peace poem

To all ends
From a beginning began
Often I ran
To escape the madness
The trauma
The karma I seek
As I am but meek
And others are strong
As they accuse me of wrong
In their turmoil and madness
And loudness
I just want peace
My panic has gone
And let them go
With their crazy words and antics
Pedantics
A mist to all intent
I cope with it
It’s meant to be
Bring peace and love
Not the meanness they give me
I just can’t see
Literally!
I need to be free
And loved
So I ask thee above
Look down on me
In this crazy place
And give me the grace
To end my days with solace

Copyright
rosypoems.com

Sadness

So the mother of the child who is getting married is not invited to his wedding, all I have ever done is give love and support and even money! Not buying love but was I just being used as seen loved at this time . But the reason he is here as I gave birth to him… is not invited and been regarded with disrespect – why is that? 100 or so guests… I have no contention only love , after 34 years of speaking to me I am cut off – is it because I am blind ? How cruel and mean … … did he receive a hacked email from someone betending to be me? As my email account had been hacked into
It’s bazaar to me… and my daughter cutting me off, is it an Irish trait – I don’t know – cruelty comes in many forms doesn’t it … I don’t understand anymore . And it’s just mean and cruel beyond belief , every one I speak to says it’s very mean
I’m just in tears … I hope they have a wonderful wedding, I’m sure they will
I realise I am nothing and always have been… what a nasty heartless lot
I really need some kindness and support – where is it? I can barely see … it’s horrible
David Steel puts up poems every day and posts about going blind and is blessed to have a loving caring family – where’s mine?
From the heart
Have a wonderful day everyone

A bad dream

I can’t believe that at this time when my eyesight has nearly completely gone that my son has said I cannot go to his wedding

It is extremely cruel and unkind

He takes after his father I believe who was unkind to me when I was married to him

I should have left him or made him leave a lot earlier and now it has come to this

I have no contention with my children and love them dearly

I should have made their father leave he was a ful, my brother said my neighbours could hear him shouting at me and my friend did at the bottom of my garden and felt sorry for me

Why is my son punishing me this way when I have only tried to care and help them. I paid for his law degree. Initially he didn’t block me then… I got away from their dad, does my son realise what he is doing … what will her family think… it’s so cruel

It’s cruel beyond words

There is something wrong with them for them to treat me this way

And at this time when the glaucoma in my eyes is so bad ….

I should have stayed in Shrewsbury

The dynamics were ok there

Coming back here has made it all worse . I thought as Chrissy had gone to Birmingham I would come back and be near them

Nick and Rob

I hope he doesn’t treat his wife like he treats me…like his father treated me…

What is he thinking cutting me off like this my mum and dad his gran and grandad would be shocked

I feel like suicide to be honest

Divorced

Blind

And children unkind to me like their dad was

God I wish I had never married such a man

My dad didn’t like him as said he was cross

This is so unfair

And I sit here with Advanced glaucoma

I really want to get away from here as far as possible

But it’s so challenging as ca

barely see

Jobe

…