i wanted to be happily married with a nice caring husband and my children and grandchildren around me…. well it seemed to start off ok but stress, bitterness and bullying seemed to hem its way into my life, i had always had a peaceful family with no bad tempers and we all got along ok, few misunderstandings but soon sorted, not the kind of insults i had after marriage of a long time… taken for granted, the goods i picked in the supermarket and put in the trolley were chucked on the floor, yes that was ok was it! nasty! Buying my two sons an icecream at the beach but not me, thats nasty isnt it…. being called awful names and denegrated, fists through doors, all this unreasonable behavioour was never expected….. well, i left of course, wasnt it awful, what a situation, a husband like that, who now married to a woman, very quickly, down the road, i made good for myself got a good job with Government, bought a house, kids all ok and managed to escape as best they could…. my mother always said they would run away…. they would not put up with it…. fight or flight…. such a shame, my lovely kids…. stress, dope and whatever made a toll of my husbands life… he is happy now with her and that is it…..very quickly, there she was… in need too…
My dad always said to me keep a smile on your face, i try dad i really do, as you and mum dance the waltz in heaven, its not easy, as i sit here alone, in Shrewsbury with advanced glaucoma, amid this rotten panamdemic, i feel very vulnerable with it all, i have life, i want to live a few more years, i want to see, i want to write, i want to see my kids, grandchilden? would they have them in this World….
and as you get older it is easier to read people and what they say…. how did that happen? Experience i guess, repetition of basic behaviour, we are all the same after all when it comes to it….
Turn the clock back, you cant do that… make good of a bad situation… can you… can you move house again, will it solve it… run! away! what to do…. pray to a God…. Trust? do i trust anyone, does anyone think they can manipulate me as i am good natured and easy going… they do, they talk rubbish to me, i listen, there it is…
its all been a rush so far, now its slow and misty….. and difficult …. and lonely… please help me see the way, dont let them take me down….
these words i write as i think them, happiness, i want to feel it again, to go to sleep and sleep content, without worrying what i will see or not see in the morning its a mist, why me?
Talk about it, so many times, Guide Dogs, Glaucoma, loneliness, medication, what to take, well there you are now…take these shut up moaning, sit still and dont bother anyone thats best!
well thats it
Sunday used to be for families, Sunday Road, glass of sherry with mum and dad, roast beef or chicken, rhubarb crumble and custard for pudding, nice cuppa coffee, chat and all… now sit here alone… with glaucoma…..
There must be something better than this surely…..
Wishes…. perfect eyesight and nice husband!…. not much….